From a very young age, Ranjit Kaur knew what was expected of her.
“You need to keep a good image, so people don’t point fingers.” Ranjit recalled words her mother often spoke to her.Her family immigrated to Canada from India when she was nine years old, and they settled in Burnaby. Ranjit attended Burnaby North Secondary School, and she remembers that she led a very sheltered life.“I would go to school, come home. I only had girlfriends. I didn’t go out very much . . . I was pretty naive,” she admitted.
After Ranjit graduated from high school in 1984, she enrolled at Langara College where she began to study nursing. A few years later, when she was 20 years old, her father decided to take a trip to India and Ranjit went along.
During the visit, a family approached Ranjit’s grandparents, expressing interest in her as a prospective wife to their grandson. In her heart, Ranjit knew she wasn’t ready to be married and wanted to pursue her education, but she reluctantly agreed to meet him. Ranjit had respect for her parents, and believed they knew what was best for.
“I only met him for about 15 minutes, and you don’t really get to know much about each other . . . I wanted to make everyone happy, so I agreed.” When Ranjit came back to Canada, she was engaged.
MARRIED LIFE
Ranjit’s husband joined her in Canada soon after their marriage in India in 1989. He was well-educated with a Bachelors degree in Mechanical Engineering, Ranjit explained, but because his education was not recognized in Canada, he struggled to land the kind of job he felt he deserved. While her husband jumped from job to job, Ranjit had to abandon her education altogether and was working to support the two of them, as well as a future addition to the family. In 1991, Ranjit gave birth to a baby boy named Amarjot.
When her husband suggested that he wanted to move to Michigan for a short while, where he had a friend who would help him get the kind of job he wanted, Ranjit was skeptical. But eventually she agreed.
“I supported him when he wanted to move far away to get a career, an education. He was feeling like he’s not good enough, and here I am trying to do everything I can to help.”This was the beginning of a tumultuous long-distance relationship. Ranjit recalls that her husband was very hesitant for her to come visit him. In 1998, when her husband finally landed a job, Ranjit was eager for her and her son to join him. But Ranjit’s husband had become very distant, and although she didn’t know it at the time, this was affecting her life in a major way.
THE DIAGNOSIS
The years of accumulated stress and constant tension, and always giving too much of herself, took its toll on Ranjit in 1998 when she was overcome with feelings of resent. Although Ranjit says she didn’t know what was happening to her, she did know that something was very wrong.“I couldn’t even feel myself. I was so numb . . . I was so scared of what was happening to me and I couldn’t function,” she said. “I thought I was losing my mind.”
Even while she was working at ICBC, Ranjit had lost her ability to focus.
“I was crying in the washroom. I couldn’t concentrate. I felt like I was going crazy. I had no idea what was going on.” On her first visit to a doctor, Ranjit remembers she was told to “pray and deal with the issues.” At this point, Ranjit was falling into a deep state of depression, but shockingly, even her doctor failed to pinpoint it. When Ranjit went to another medical clinic for a second opinion, the doctor was stunned by and immediately prescribed antidepressants.
When Ranjit came home and explained to her parents that she was depressed and that she needed to take medication, her parents reacted by telling her not to take the medication. They told her that there was nothing wrong with her and she could get addicted.“I was so confused at this point,” Ranjit explains. “I was already not thinking straight and I was getting all this mixed advice.” During her next visit to the clinic, her doctor insisted that Ranjit take his advice and start taking the medication. She agreed, and six weeks later, Ranjit began to feel better.
BIG CHANGES
As Ranjit’s condition improved, she says her husband, who had now moved to Windsor, Ontario, was not at all understanding about her depression. He told me if I didn’t feel happy, then I should go jump off a bridge, she remembers.
Even still, as her mental state started to improve, she gave up her job in 1998 and moved to Windsor to be with her husband.
“My thinking is I’m married, so basically I have to make it work no matter what . . . that’s just the way I was raised.”
But after her move, her husband became physically abusive towards. She was beginning to come out of her depression, but quickly fell back into it. With no family to turn to and no job to support her, she became isolated.
With the advice of a counsellor, Ranjit eventually enrolled at the University of Windsor as a mature student, and the connections she was making with people helped her feel better. Even though everyone around her told her that it was not a good idea to share her problems, Ranjit was secretly taking advantage of the free counselling on campus. Meanwhile, she became pregnant with her second child and in 2000, Harjot was born. But her marital situation was not improving, and Ranjit’s breaking point came after a violent incident with her husband. “He raced after me, telling me he was going to break my neck and I was holding the baby. I got so scared and I put the baby down. He chased after me down the stairs and out the door.”
Ranjit no longer felt safe, but was still hesitant to call the police. Being a religious and spiritual-minded person, Ranjit struggled with the idea of divorce.“I was afraid . . .I kept asking God if He would be angry at me for separating and going through a divorce.” A conversation with some baptized Sikhs she had befriended at school would soon bring some clarity.
They explained that the vows had been broken the first day Ranjit’s husband had abused her. With this advice, Ranjit had the strength to realize that, for her peace of mind, she needed to leave her husband. She filed for a restraining order and while the divorce was being finalized, Ranjit moved back to Vancouver with her two sons. In July 2002, on the same day that her divorce was finalized, Ranjit received her Bachelor’s degree in psychology.
However, all these major life changes were still affecting Ranjit’s mental state.“Basically it came with all the tragedies in my life. . . the separation, and the divorce.” In 2006, the tragic death of her brother in a motor vehicle accident left Ranjit feeling worse than she ever did before. “I believe that he was going through a depression. He didn’t know what he had although I did recognize it.”
Ranjit was very close to her brother, and spiralled into depression once again. Since 2006, Ranjit has been on medication.
OVERCOMING THE STIGMA
Although Ranjit eventually sought out help, she did isolate herself while coming to terms with her depression. “I didn’t want to see anyone because I was ashamed . . . I didn’t have the support of my family or my relatives. They kept telling me there was nothing wrong with me.”
The lack of awareness about the prevalence of mental health problems — as well as the social stigma that often surrounds such disorders – usually deters people from seeking help.
Ranjit says the most difficult part of her diagnosis was the fear of being judged, stating “the stigma is more painful than the actual illness.” Although there were times that Ranjit felt there was no way to get away from the constant judgements that came after her diagnosis, she now understands education was the key. Once she became aware of her depression and how it was affecting her, she was able to educate her family and friends about it.
At a recent conference about mental health in the South Asian community organized by the South Asian Mental Health Action and Awareness (SAMHAA), Ranjit went public with her very personal story. Ranjit admits she did experience anxious moments, fearing that the people who would come to know her story would judge her, but she was able to look past those thoughts.
“For the greater good, I need to tell my story. I need to share it with whoever I can.”
After the conference, Ranjit says she was approached by so many people who came forward with their struggles. She now dedicates her time volunteering with SAMHAA and encouraging others to reach out. As a deeply spiritual person, she says this is her way of giving back to the community, her seva.
“I’m very happy today because I sought help and I can now stand up on my own two feet. I can manage my depression, I raised two beautiful sons and I work full-time. Now that I am on the other side, I am so much more confident in sharing my story.”
Mental Health Myths Debunked
• Mental health problems are uncommon. Mental illness is, in fact, common. Statistics show that one in every five Canadians will have a mental health problem at some point in their lives.
• People with mental illness are violent and dangerous. The truth is that, as a group, mentally ill people are no more violent than any other group. In fact, they are far more likely to be the victims of violence than to be violent themselves.
• People with mental illness are poor and/or less intelligent. Many studies show that most mentally ill people have average or above-average intelligence. Mental illness, like physical illness, can affect anyone regardless of intelligence, social class or income level.
• Mental illness is caused by a personal weakness. A mental illness is not a character flaw. It is an illness, and it has nothing to do with being weak or lacking will-power. Although people with mental illness can play a big part in their own recovery, they did not choose to become ill, and they are not lazy because they cannot just “snap out of it.”
• Mental illness is a single, rare disorder. Mental illness is not a single disease but a broad classification for many disorders. Anxiety, depression, schizophrenia, personality disorders, eating disorders and organic brain disorders can cause misery for thousands of Canadians.
• Being suicidal means I’m crazy. Suicidal feelings are most often symptoms of depression or a related mood disorder. Feeling suicidal does not make you any more or less crazy than anybody else. Suicidal feelings go away once you begin to receive adequate care for your depression or other mood disorder.
By Pawan Deol